Time Won't Tell
by AgentRez
Summary: Set between Seasons 5 and 6, an incident with Baby Teddy on the campaign trail forces Liv to confront some of the emotions she's been keeping bottled up, leading to a heartfelt conversation between Fitz and Liv. Also, find out what Liv thinks of his plan to move to Vermont after he leaves the White House and how they were able to get to forgive each other for the past.
1. Chapter 1

_This is a two or three chapter Olitz-ish fic that takes place sometime between season 5 and 6, when Fitz comes to campaign for Mellie. The purpose of it is to give them a chance to talk about some things that were never really dealt with on the show, and explain how they got to where they seem to be now, not together but friendly enough that she can lean on him for support at least a little bit the way she did on election night. Reviews are highly appreciated._

 _P.S. I freely admit to using my fanfiction to vent some of my PTSD rage over the real life election. So if you think it's fair that the press went after Hillary over Bill's affairs while giving Trump a pass for being a serial cheater, you may not like this fanfic._

* * *

 **CANTON, OHIO - AUGUST 2016**

Olivia is standing outside the campaign bus looking over some new polling data while Mellie is greeting voters at a barbecue. Quinn brings Teddy, who has just awoken from a nap, down the stairs of the bus so he can join his mother.

"Quinn, change his shirt before bringing him out there," she directs.

Quinn starts to comply but then gets a phone call. Meanwhile, Teddy runs over to Olivia and tugs on her arm.

Suddenly, Olivia is standing in an apple orchard, and the boy tugging on her arm has darker skin and curly hair. Suddenly, a montage of images flash in her head: The moment she agreed to Defiance. Running toward Fitz at the house in Vermont. Mellie telling her 'I'm going to need my husband back.' Her kidnapping. The dream she had of being in Vermont with Fitz while she was being held hostage. Encouraging Fitz to 'run and win'. Watching Mellie's filibuster as she sat in the waiting room to have the abortion. Watching Fitz and Mellie find out the gender of 'America's Baby' on Kimberly Mitchell. Mellie encouraging her to think about her future and decide what she wants. Fitz telling her that in another life, they live in Vermont and have four kids. The almost wedding. Fitz saying 'I trusted you. You were all I had. You ruined me' when he was still brooding over Defiance. Cyrus saying 'I know what you're giving up' as they stood at the press conference where Fitz announced he was running for re-election. Fitz proposing to her on the Truman Balcony. Fitz telling her he wants to win and asking if she thinks he'll make a good president. Grabbing the stirrup on the operating table. Telling her client 'you did what you thought was best at the time. You can't change the choice you made.' Fitz saying 'two babies, I think' when they thought he wouldn't be re-elected. Herself saying 'Defiance isn't ever going to be over.' Screaming 'there is no Vermont! There is no jam! There is no future!'

While these images are flashing in her head, Olivia doesn't notice that cameras are snapping pictures of Teddy tugging on her arm. She doesn't notice a blogger traveling with the campaign coming over and squatting down next to Teddy.

"Do you like traveling with your mom?" the blogger asks Teddy.

"Yeah!" Teddy says happily.

"Why?"

"Because people take pictures, and Mommy plays with me," Teddy says.

"Does your mommy play with you when nobody's taking pictures?" the blogger asks.

"No," Teddy says matter-of-factly.

Quinn notices that Teddy is talking to a blogger and that Liv looks like she is a million miles away.

"I'm going to have to call you back," Quinn says. She hangs up and runs over.

"Okay, that's enough," she says to the reporter, standing between him and Teddy.

"Liv. Liv!" she nudges. Olivia snaps out of her funk and quickly goes into action mode.

"I'm going to need that footage," she demands.

"Sorry, it's already up," the blogger says nonchalantly. "Last I checked it's up to 10,000 hits."

"Credentials, now!" Olivia demands. "You're off the bus!"

Olivia turns to Quinn, who is holding onto Teddy to prevent him from running off, and starts rattling a list of instructions about damage control.

"How the hell did this happen?" Mellie asks Olivia angrily.

"Mellie, I..." Olivia begins, but Quinn jumps in. "Senator Grant, I am so sorry. I was taking him to change his shirt because he spilled apple juice all over the one he was wearing, and I finally heard back from guy who's handling our ad buys, and I got distracted for a second and Teddy ran off," she explains.

Mellie notices the look on Olivia's face and she doesn't quite buy Quinn's story, but she decides not to press the issue. "The networks have been airing the video all night," she complains to Olivia. "Frankie Vargas has a five year old daughter with cancer, and nobody criticizes him for being out on the campaign trail instead of by her side. But me - if I don't bring Teddy with me on the campaign trail, I'm a bad mother for being away from him. If I do bring him, I'm a bad mother for using him as a prop."

"Mellie, we knew this was going to happen," Olivia counsels. "Women are held to a double standard. It's not fair that they pick apart your parenting skills but not your male opponent's. It's not fair that Fitz has a 59% approval rating while they're still hitting you as dishonest for helping to cover up his relationship with me. It's not fair that they paint you as a cold-blooded reptile just because you're as ambitious as your male counterparts. It's not fair but it's the reality of being the first woman to be nominated for president. We're handling this, I promise. It's a one or two day story. It will blow over."

* * *

"Do you remember what I told you about not talking to strangers?" Fitz chides his son over the phone.

"Yeah!"

"Alright, don't do it again. Can you put your mom back on the phone?"

Teddy hands the phone to Mellie.

"How did this happen?" he asks.

"Supposedly, one of Liv's people was watching him and got a phone call and he ran off," Mellie says.

"Supposedly?"

Mellie sighs.

"I think something's wrong with Liv. She's been on edge all week, and right before this happened I glanced over and it seemed like she was a million miles away. I guess maybe being around our son - your son - is making things hard for her."

Fitz looks pained by this.

"Alright, I'll talk to her tomorrow night in Pittsburgh. Do me a favor and don't push her."

* * *

 **PITTSBURGH, PA - ONE DAY LATER**

Olivia is sitting in her hotel room drinking wine at a faster than usual pace while struggling to focus on editing Mellie's speech when she hears a knock at her door.

"Why are you here?" she asks Fitz when she opens the door.

* * *

 _The next chapter will feature a much-needed heart to heart between Fitz and Liv. Please review if you have a chance._


	2. Chapter 2

_This is part 1 of what will probably be a 2 or 3 part conversation. This installment mostly deals with Olivia's abortion and why she kept it from Fitz. I am pro-choice, feminist, and a Democrat, but I don't buy Shonda's attitude that she didn't need to tell him because it's a woman's choice. However, I do think she had a good reason not to tell him, which is explored here._

* * *

"Why are you here?" Liv asks Fitz when she sees him standing outside her door.

"I just want to talk," he says.

"No, I mean why are you here, in Pittsburgh? I thought you were sending the Vice President in your place so you could monitor the North Korea situation."

"North Korea's being handled. May I come in?" he asks.

She hesitates. She doesn't want to let him in, but something about the way he asks, on top of the bottle of wine she's already drank, melts her defenses enough to let him in.

She goes into the cabinets and finds another glass, holding it up to ask if he wants any.

"Sure. Thank you," he says. He becomes concerned when he notices that this is her second bottle.

"What's going on? Why are you drinking so much?" he asks.

"It's been a rough week," she says defensively.

"That's what Mellie said. She was worried about you."

"Mellie sent you here to talk to me because she was worried about me?" Olivia asks incredulously.

"Weird, right?" he says with a grin.

"Yeah."

"Can we talk about what happened yesterday?" he asks gently.

"I screwed up," she admits. "I got distracted for a minute and Teddy started talking to a reporter. I should have been keeping a closer eye on him and I am so sorry that I failed to protect him. That reporter, if you can call him that, has been kicked off the bus, and the rest of the press corp has been read the riot act about not speaking to him unless specifically authorized."

"Liv, stop. I know that you can handle the fallout. I want to talk about why you got distracted in the first place." She feels a pit in her stomach when she sees the look on his face.

"So you do know?" she asks guiltily, unable to look at him.

"Yeah. I've known for a while. I don't know why, but Abby had your medical records on her desk and I was looking for something else and I stumbled upon them."

She opens her mouth to say that she doesn't want to talk about it, but decides that's not fair to him. "I'm sorry," she says softly. "I never intended you to find out this way."

"Did you intend for me to find out at all?"

"Honestly, no," she answers.

"I get it," he says dryly. "Your body, your choice."

"Fitz, I didn't not tell you to make some kind of a political statement."

"Then why, Liv? Why didn't you just tell me the truth when I asked where you were that night?"

"Because...I had my reasons, okay?" she says, not ready to open up further about it. "I know you're hurt, and you're angry and you have every right to be..."

"I'm not angry that you did it, or even that you lied to me about it," Fitz says. "I'm angry that you lied to me about what you wanted. I thought you wanted to get married and have babies. I thought you wanted us to have a real relationship. All those years I spent feeling guilty because I couldn't give you that. I wish you'd told me it was never what you really wanted."

"I did want it. I wanted us. I wanted all of it," she insists.

"No, you didn't. You said it yourself - you liked me unavailable."

"That's not what I meant and you know it! I got used to you being unavailable. I got used to not having to be available and committed because you weren't available. I got used to keeping myself from becoming fully invested because it hurt too much. When I came to you on the Truman balcony that night, I wanted to be all in. I wanted us to have a real chance. I wouldn't have risked your presidency and my reputation and career if I didn't want that. But it was all happening so fast, and with the whole world watching, and one disaster after another, one impossible decision after another, and we didn't feel like us anymore. Nothing felt right, and I felt like I was losing control of my life, losing who I was. I was hoping that with time I'd get used to everything and you'd start trusting me again and I would find a way to be everything you needed without losing myself entirely. But when I found out I was pregnant I didn't have the luxury of time...I know that I was selfish. I know that I wasn't fair to you but I had to make a choice, and I couldn't go on the way things were."

Fitz can see that she is starting to get anxious as she reaches for her wine glass and starts gulping it. He thinks back to the night they had that horrible fight and realizes how anxious she must have been as she frantically looked in every drawer for Mellie's hooch. He was too busy interrogating her about missing a stupid dinner to ask her what was wrong.

"Liv, calm down," he urges, taking her wine glass from her. "I didn't come here to upset you. I just thought if you knew that I know it might make things easier for you. We don't have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to."

"Fitz, don't," she pleads.

"Don't what?" he asks.

"Don't be nice to me!" she exclaims. He can't help but chuckle as he remembers saying the same thing to her on the campaign bus the first night they spent together. "How can you not hate me after everything I did?"

Fitz chuckles sadly. "I could never hate you. You know that. Sometimes I wish I could...it would make my life a lot easier."

"Mine too," she says glumly.

Fitz shakes his head. "That's what you want, isn't it? Do you want me to hate you? Will that help absolve you of your guilt?"

"I don't feel guilty!" she says angrily. "Contrary to what the anti-choice wing of your party wants you to think, not every woman who has an abortion regrets it. I made a choice and I am not ashamed of it. I know it's not what you want to hear, but the truth is, I didn't agonize about it beforehand, the procedure itself wasn't traumatizing, and afterwards I felt fine."

"You didn't seem like you were fine," Fitz challenges. "You were scrambling around frantically trying to find that disgusting hooch and then drinking like your life depended on it."

"Because I felt trapped!" she insists. "The thought of living there and lying in bed next to you knowing I was keeping yet another secret, telling yet another lie was starting to sink in and it made me feel more suffocated than ever, and then you started interrogating me about where I was that night, and..."

"You didn't have to lie to me!" he insists. "If you feel confident that you made the right decision, if you don't feel guilty or ashamed, then why didn't you just tell me the truth?"

"Because you had already lost one child! Because I knew it would break your heart and I couldn't do that to you, not again."

"Is that why you said there's no Vermont, no future?" he asks, his anger dissipating a little after hearing her response.

She nods. "How could there be, after everything I did to ruin us?"

"Stop!" he commands. "We both made mistakes. Not to mention all of the people who conspired to come between us and all of the circumstances that were out of our control. Don't beat yourself up."

"I'm not. Not anymore. For a few months after I left I replayed it all constantly on an endless loop, wondering how it could have all gone so wrong, and then I forced myself to turn it off. I forced myself to stop replaying it, stop dwelling and move on. And I haven't let myself think about you, or us, or what could have been since. I had a brief moment of weakness yesterday, but I'm fine now."

"You don't seem fine," he says cautiously, afraid he is going to set her off. "You're flying to three different cities tomorrow, and we learned the hard way the day after Super Tuesday eight years ago that you and planes don't do well when you've had too much to drink. Given how seriously you take your work and how much you want to win this election, I doubt you'd be sitting here drinking so much if you were fine."

Olivia shakes her head, unable to argue with him. She opens her mouth to tell him that it's none of his business, that he doesn't get to worry about her anymore. But instead, she finds herself opening up just a little about what happened the day before.

"We were at the county fair in Iowa and Mellie was shaking hands and Quinn had been watching Teddy on the bus while he took a nap. When he woke up she brought him out and he came and tugged on my arm and I don't know why but it made me space out, and I got this image in my head of a boy who looked like Teddy, but with darker skin and curly hair, and he was running around in the orchards at the house in Vermont and then he came and tugged on my arm the same way Teddy did..." Her voice starts to break as she says the last part. "I don't know what triggered it...I've been around Teddy all week and many times during the campaign and I've been fine..."

She steals a quick glance and then quickly looks away when she sees the heartbreak on his face. "I'm sorry," she says. "I shouldn't...I'm being so insensitive, telling you all this."

"Stop," he reassures her. "You think I haven't imagined what our kids would look like a thousand times? Come here," he says gently. He tries to put his arm around her but she resists. To her surprise, he backs away and doesn't force it.

"Listen, you made a choice and however I may feel publicly or privately about abortion, I understand that it was your choice to make. I want you to know that I'm not angry and I don't judge you for it. But it was my child too," he says, his voice suddenly full of emotion. "So I just...please, Livvie, just give me one minute to grieve with you. One minute and then we'll never talk about this again. Okay?"

"Okay," she says softly. She leans into him and lets him wrap his arms around her. For one minute they sit there holding each other, crying for everything that could have been.

After a minute he breaks away reluctantly, having promised it would only be one minute. It is probably just wishful thinking, but he feels like she doesn't want him to let go.

"I want you to drink at least two of these," he says, retrieving two bottles of water from her mini-fridge. "And I'm having some food sent up here. If I get out of your hair do you promise you'll eat it?"

"No," she says stubbornly.

He shakes his head. "Fine. Do what you want," he says frustratedly, turning to go.

"Fitz, wait," she calls after him. "I meant...if you're going to make me eat, will you keep me company?" she asks nervously. He smiles and sits back down next to her.

"Of course," he says softly.

"You haven't called me Livvie in forever," she says with a smile.

* * *

 _I hope you liked this installment. Reviews are very much appreciated. The next installment will hopefully give some insight into where Olivia's head is at now, which has been really hard to figure out since around 509._


	3. Chapter 3

_How awesome was tonight's episode? Believe it or not, I actually had 90% of this written before 609, and about 80% of it before I learned that the 100th episode was going to be "what if Defiance never happened?" But watching tonight's episode gave me confidence to finish and post it without feeling like I made Olivia too open to the point of being out of character. If anything, I think this could explain how she and Fitz got to the point they were at tonight. Plus, I did have her drink a bottle and a half of wine before Fitz came to talk to her, so that ought to open her up a bit. Reviews are very much appreciated._

* * *

"The truth is, I wasn't thinking about the abortion," Olivia confesses. "I mean I was, but mostly...mostly I was thinking about Defiance," she tells him.

"Defiance?"

"I was thinking that if I hadn't sold my soul and gone along with Defiance, if I had let you lose then maybe we'd have a kid Teddy's age. Maybe we would have had a real chance to be together, be normal."

"I've thought about that many times," Fitz says sadly. "It's one of the reasons I was so angry with you when I found out, angrier than I was at anyone else, which I know wasn't fair. I know that you were the last holdout and unlike everyone else involved, you did it because you cared about me, not because of what you stood to get out of it."

"It doesn't matter. At the end of the day I still went along with it, and for a while I convinced myself it was the right thing to do. And since then, it's become easier and easier to lie, cut corners, and convince myself that whatever benefits me is the right thing to do. And the worst part is, when I agreed to go along with Defiance I sat there crying for the rest of the plane ride. I felt sick to my stomach and the plane felt like it was 100 degrees. Now...I've done things that are worse than Defiance and when I think about them I feel indifferent...I feel numb. Sometimes I wonder if I had just said no and stuck to it, maybe I'd still be a good person now."

"You are a good person," Fitz tries to assure her.

"No. I'm not! You said it yourself. I'm worse than Mellie - at least she's honest about who she is and what she wants."

"Stop. We both said things that night that we didn't mean."

"Whether you meant it or not it's the truth. The person I've become...you wouldn't want me if you knew me now. You wouldn't want anything to do with me."

"I do know you, and that's not true. Look, I know that too much has happened...too much has come between us too many times. I've accepted that. I've accepted that I need to move on and I'm trying to do that. But that doesn't mean I don't still love you. I will always love you, no matter what."

"No, you don't! That's my point. You love the person I used to be. I am not that person anymore."

Fitz shakes his head. "Then fix it," he challenges.

"What?"

"If you don't like the person you've become, fix it."

"How am I supposed to do that, Fitz? How am I supposed to fix the fact that I've made so many bad choices, hurt so many people, caused so much destruction that I've become numb to it?"

"You can't change the past. None of us can. We have all done horrible things. We have all become harder and colder and a lot less idealistic than we were 8 years ago. With everything you've been through, there's no way you could be the same person you were 8 years ago. But that doesn't mean you can't forgive yourself and hit the reset button. That doesn't mean you can't do the best you can to do the right thing going forward. You're the one who convinced me of that."

Olivia smiles sadly. "We both know I'm not very good at taking my own advice," she admits.

Fitz chuckles. "Well, maybe you should fix that too," he says. "I'm just sorry...I'm sorry I didn't live up to your expectations - as president, I mean. I wish...for all the guilt you've suffered over Defiance, I could have at least made it worth your while instead of being - what did you call it, ineffectual?"

Olivia looks heartbroken when she realizes he's internalized her words.

"Fitz...the things I said that night...you know I didn't mean that."

"Well, whether you meant it or not, it's the truth. My father was right. I've never won, not really. I only got re-elected, if you can call it that, because of the sympathy vote after my son's death. I've never won it on my own, because the people thought I deserved it."

"But look at you now," she says encouragingly. "59% approval. You'd be a shoo-in for re-election."

"I don't know about that. Presidents always get a bump in their last year."

"George Bush didn't. And even if you're right, the point is, since I left you've proven more than ever why you deserve to be president. It's been hard for me," she admits, "seeing how much better you've been at the job without me around. But I'm proud of you."

Fitz chuckles. "Every day, I think about how much better I would be at it if you were around. I don't mean this as a negative reflection on Abby or anyone else, but I constantly find myself asking 'what would Liv do'?"

"Pretty much what you've been doing. But if you want my advice you can always call me."

"I've thought about it a couple times," he admits. "Okay, more than a couple. I almost did call, the night before my last Correspondent's Dinner. But it was only a couple months after you left, and I didn't think you'd want to hear from me."

Olivia smiles sadly. "You could have called," she says softly.

"Actually, there is something I could use your opinion about," he says. "Would it bother you if I built my presidential library in Vermont?"

Olivia is caught off guard. "No, it wouldn't bother me, but why? I thought you were selling the house."

"No, I put it on the market but I couldn't go through with it. I rejected two perfectly good offers because the people who wanted to buy it didn't fit my vision, and I realized I just wasn't ready. And then I started thinking that maybe I should keep it...Karen's going to Harvard so I'd be close to her in case she ever talks to me again, and if Mellie wins the election and I get custody I think Teddy would like it there."

"Well, then, go for it. You don't need my permission," Olivia insists. She is not sure if this means he is trying to win her back or if it's his way of saying he has moved on. Oddly, both prospects make her anxious. "Is Karen still not talking to you?" she asks.

"No," Fitz says sadly.

"I'm sorry," Olivia says with regret.

"Stop. It's not because of you."

"I know. It's because you don't want her dating a Congressman who's almost twice her age."

"Yeah. Of course, Mellie was happy to get on board as long as Karen supports the campaign."

"Mellie got on board because I told her to get on board," Liv corrects. Fitz looks surprised.

"Is that what you were talking about when you said you've changed? I guess you really are desperate to win at all costs," he says bitterly.

"It has nothing to do with the campaign. Okay, yes, Karen could do a lot of damage by criticizing Mellie publicly, but I told Mellie to be supportive because I didn't appreciate my father constantly manipulating me and interfering with my relationships...and by the way, if we had met earlier like you wished, you would have been almost twice my age."

Fitz smiles. He can't deny that Liv has a point. "Do you think we would have worked?" he asks pensively.

"Maybe. I don't know. You said it yourself - I'm not capable of being normal," she says, half joking and half serious.

"I would hardly call trying to start a real relationship while living in the White House, becoming a public spectacle, and dealing with impeachment hearings normal," he says with a laugh.

"Good point," she agrees.

"Look, I don't want you to think...I'm not moving to Vermont because I'm hoping you'll come back to me," he says. She is surprised to feel disappointed, but doesn't let it show.

"I know," she says coolly.

"Okay. I just didn't want you to think I was trying to manipulate you."

"I know. You're trying to move on. I get it. I want you to be happy, really."

Fitz looks like he is going to object, but decides to change the subject. "Abby hates the idea. She says I owe it to the country to stay active in politics and try to effect more change from the outside."

"That's ridiculous," Olivia says. "You don't owe this country anything. You deserve to finally get to live the normal life you've always wanted."

"That's what I said, but she told me I was being a selfish baby."

"You have every right to be selfish," she says. "You've spent so many years being manipulated and told what to do by everyone with their own selfish interests...including me," she admits.

"Liv, stop. You weren't in it for the power. I know that now. I never should have let Cyrus manipulate me into believing otherwise."

"Cyrus?"

"When he came back to the White House, he felt threatened by how much I was listening to your advice, which by the way wasn't because you were my girlfriend but because you were smarter than everyone else. So he tried to convince me that you were just using me for the power, and after you released your father he used it to prey upon my insecurity and convince me that I needed to transition you into a traditional First Lady role because I couldn't let the staff and Congress think you were running the show."

Olivia sighs. "Cyrus wasn't wrong," she says. "One of the reasons Bill Clinton's health care bill failed was because people were put off when he put Hillary in charge of it. And Cyrus wasn't wrong about me, not completely," she admits.

"What, that you were pretending to love me as part of some sinister plan to manipulate me and usurp my presidency?"

"I wasn't pretending and I wasn't trying to manipulate you, at least not consciously. But I can't deny that I felt empowered helping you to run the world. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't desperately want to win this election because I want the Oval back."

"It's not wrong to want it," Fitz says to her surprise. "I know that being with me set your career back and deprived you of opportunities you could have had. I know that I didn't appreciate the sacrifices you were making enough...and before you say anything, I know I didn't appreciate the sacrifices Mellie made enough either. She's...she's a lot happier now than she was before, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she is," Olivia says softly, hoping that won't hurt him.

"What about you? Are you happier now that you're free of me?"

"Sometimes," she admits.

"And the other times?" he prompts.

"Fitz..." she says cautiously.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have asked," he says, looking a little hurt.

"The other times I miss you," she admits after a minute. "There. Did you really need me to say it? What about you? Do you miss me sometimes?"

"No. Never," he says slyly, in the same tone he used when he said "I hate you" in season 2.

Olivia laughs and shakes her head. Fitz hesitates for a moment, then puts a friendly arm around her. "I'm here for you, you know," he says gently. "If you ever...I'm here for you."

Olivia just smiles, unable to find the right words to say in response. She feels a lot of the emotion she's suppressed toward him coming back, but unlike every other time that has happened, this time it doesn't hurt as much. This time she feels just a little bit more at peace than she did earlier that evening.


End file.
